A New Culture of Motherhood
October 5, 2009
Sometimes being a good mother seems akin to being some sort of robot Buddha-mom. We are told to remain compassionate and centered while we calmly offer reasonable choices, set age appropriate limits, engage in enriching edutainment, allow free creative play, model loving and respectful relationship skills, and prepare healthy, organic, allergy-free meals. We are meant to do this all with an attitude of joy, since childhood is “over before you know it”.
What pressure! Are there any human beings out there? You know, ones that leave their TV’s on, lose their cool with their children and spouses, feel grumpy at 6am, order take-out 2 nights in a row because they are too tired to cook? Of course there are, but somehow it seems like we are always falling short when we do these things. When I let my 3-year-old play on the computer for 2 hours straight, the guilt weighs heavily. But really, if we are all human anyway, why are we trying to be anything but human?
I am not advocating for losing idealism and dropping the goals that help us strive to be the best we can be. But what about a goal of letting go of this harsh grip on perfectionism? Wouldn’t it be just fantastic to create a culture of motherhood where being real was being a great mother? One of my coaching practices is to ask moms to email me daily with a confession and a congratulation. A confession, to let go of the guilt and self-flagellation that comes with never living up to our expectations. And a congratulation, to remember daily all the amazing work we do. It’s just a beginning, a small step towards a larger goal of creating a community of mothers that value themselves. If we can find meaning in the process of motherhood, rather than feeling like we are failing at the product of a perfect mother, we might just have some more fun on the job.
Let’s not imagine the future therapy of our children, the one where they will be complaining of how they have been done wrong by us. That’s just in our imagination anyway. Instead, let’s congratulate ourselves for our creativity in making things easier.
