Motherself

There are some questions I almost always hear when talking to moms about motherself– do I really need help?  I mean, shouldn’t I be able to do this on my own?  And, how do I decide to choose motherself– maybe I should start up my yoga practice again, or take a pottery class, or go back to therapy. There are so many wonderful support services out there, all of which can help you feel more like yourself again, help you get your life back on the track you want to be on.

When I hear these questions, my response is not to jump on my advertising soapbox, but rather to listen for what is underneath this concern. I think many moms feel deeply disappointed by their own disappointment over motherhood, work, and marriage. We expect that movie ending, the one where the woman is laughing, holding her baby next to the man she loves. Roll credits. But in real life, marriage, and motherhood are often very trying. We wonder how it is that so many women have done this job before us, often with fewer resources, and they never needed any of these luxuries, like pilates, and couples counseling, and art classes. So we crack the whip on ourselves, and deny ourselves help in order to prove that we don’t, and shouldn’t, need it.

I think there is a time and a place for all, or at least most, things. Sometimes, what we really need is some kind of physical release, and the body regaining balance will be enough to shift our minds as well. Other times, we are longing to be heard, and to be guided. Asking for help is a courageous step that sometimes constitutes half the battle itself. Why? Because the act of asking says that you are accepting where you are at, without shame. And when you are stuck, recognizing that you can’t move is the only way to get going again.

I tell women that really my job is to work myself out of a job. The beauty of the work I do is that it is can be sporadic or ongoing, so women can use me as a sounding board and a guide whenever they need it, and when they don’t, they can take that other courageous step- the one where you recognize and really feel your strength again, and break off from the help you’ve been receiving.

These things come in cycles, so needing help, in my mind, is a temporary state. If we learn to seek help when we need it, and let it go when we don’t, I think we are well on our way to embodying the kind of healthy centeredness we hope our children will have.