Parenting Philosophies
September 20, 2009
Do you co-sleep? Schedule feedings? Baby wear? Ferberize? Home school? Spank? Send your kids to public school? Unschool? The questions go on and on. Whatever the age and stage, mothers are often asked to take a philosophical stance on child-rearing– and debate issues so seemingly serious that they sometimes even damage friendships between women. I have been asked where I stand on these issues, and all I can say is, I don’t subscribe.
I don’t subscribe to any one particular parenting philosophy, though of course I make choices like anyone else. If I had to create my own parenting philosophy, it would be: trust yourself, and do what makes sense for your own family. I just want to be myself as a mother. I want to respond to my children and all the sticky family situations the best I can, and really feel that is good enough. When I try to fit into some other mold, I just end up failing.
I remember when my first child was a newborn, hearing the adage “sleep when the baby sleeps”. But I couldn’t. I am an adult, and somewhat of an insomniac at that, and I just can not sleep in 30 minute increments on and off all day, and also squeeze in a shower and a granola bar. Add in an older toddler with my second newborn, and the advice seemed laughable. Why then, I wondered, did people keep repeating this mantra to me? It felt like a set-up.
One of the best changes I made when I became pregnant with my second child was to stop reading pregnancy and parenting books. If I didn’t know what I was “supposed” to do, I would just have to figure it out.
Everyone is different, and some moms really benefit from the advice of parenting experts. I just wish we could all give as much credit to our own internal wisdom. I am not talking just about “motherly instincts”, which also get over-rated, in my book. A new mom doesn’t always feel her instincts about caring for a sick child when the fear of doing something wrong overwhelms her completely. But I do think that when we give ourselves a little mental break, we see that no one else can really live our lives for us, so no one can really tell us how to handle each particular situation that arises with our children. And as lonely and scary as that may be sometimes, it is also liberating, and allows us to shoot from the hip a little more. Not such a bad thing.
Living now
September 14, 2009
Recently I was reading a book about motherhood, and came across this quote from The Captivity of Marriage by Nora Johnson:
“The old illusions of what life was supposed to hold, the restless remains, the undefined dreams do not die as they were supposed to. Probably every educated wife has found herself staring at a mountain of dirty diapers, and asking herself desperately, ‘Is this all there is?’ And at the same time she is embarrassed by her dissatisfaction; she of all people, with her intelligence and realistic view of life, should be able to rise above it. But the paradox is that it is she who is least able to. She lives for a better day. Things will be easier when this baby is born, or that one toilet-trained, or the children are all in school, and she will have time to be pretty and intelligent and young again.”
Believe it or not, this passage was written in 1961. And almost 50 years later, many moms can relate to this same sense of frustrated passion. I know that when I first read it, I immediately resonated with the feeling of waiting … waiting for life to begin, waiting for the job of motherhood to get easier, to give me time to pursue my own goals again. The problem is that even when certain elements get easier — the baby sleeps through the night, or the child leaves for school — some form of distracted busy-ness seems to always continue. And so if we don’t somehow slow down inside ourselves enough, we miss out on our lives in the present.
I don’t know about you, but I want to engage with my life right here, right now. I want to appreciate my children and feel deeply moved by the work I do in the world. I can not be the same young, carefree woman I was before I had children (and doesn’t that woman seem even more free in retrospect, anyway?) And so it is up to me, and to you, to find out who we are today.
Mental Health Resources
September 1, 2009
For some moms, online and phone coaching works really well. It supports and challenges them, and fits with their lifestyle. But sometimes, especially in times of real mental health crisis, online support is not enough. Here is a list of some alternate resources for moms who are experiencing untreated depression, anxiety, PPD, or other mental health issues.
NIMH site on Depression — gives general information about clinical depression and ideas about where to get help
Postpartum Support International — a great resource for moms with new babies
SAMHSA’s National Mental Health Information Center– provides a mental health services locator for all the U.S. states
National Suicide Prevention Lifelife — a toll free 24 hour number to call if you are thinking about hurting yourself
